Why do you want to change other people?


You don’t want to change, you don’t want to work on yourself to become a better person; you believe you’re perfect. You’re probably thinking about someone who needs to change as you read this post, and it’s not you. You wish they were reading this post because you desperately want them to change. You are worried and stressed because you believe it is your responsibility to ensure that they change. You believe you are here to change others in order to live a happy life. 

The question is; Why?

Why do you want your husband to change?
Why do you want your wife to change?
Why do you want your boyfriend to change?
Why do you want your girlfriend to change?
Why do you want your daughter to change?
Why do you want your son to change?
Why do you want your father to change?
Why do you want your mother to change?
Why do you want people close to you to change?

Don’t try to change other people, it doesn’t work

Many of us spend our entire lives trying to change the people in our lives in the hopes of making them better in order to make us happy. “Be the change you want to see in the world,” Gandhi said. “Be the change you want to see in your relationships, at work, at church, and in your society.”

You could spend the rest of your life trying to change someone else, but it would be more productive to focus your efforts on changing yourself. Stop attempting to change people and learn to love them as they are. You will find peace in your life if you accept others for who they are.

Be an example


Do you remember the crab who was walking sideways while telling her children to walk straight? She was asked to demonstrate how to walk straight to the children. The crab realized she was being unreasonable in her demands; how could she expect her children to walk straight when she herself couldn’t.

We sometimes ask people close to us to do the impossible. We want them to become what we have failed to become. If you can’t set a good example, don’t tell others how to act. You expect others to do what you say rather than what you do. You expect your children to listen to you, but you never listen to them. You always want others to do what you say because you believe your opinion is the best. Most parents will tell their children, “don’t do like me, do as I say.”

We are selfish most of the time, and we want other people to change; we believe that they are the only ones who are at fault, while we are flawless. Some people are unable to find peace in their lives because they are obsessed with changing the behavior of those close to them.

Most perfectionists are difficult to satisfy; they are constantly looking for flaws and exerting control over others; they become enraged when things are not done their way because they believe their way is the best. They are constantly whining, criticizing, and humiliating others because it makes them feel better to point out others’ flaws. If you’re the type of person who picks on others, it’s time to change. Let other people be who they are and accept them.

Some people believe they are saints and see nothing wrong with their behavior. You may be the source of conflict in your relationship; however, if you can focus on improving yourself, you will be able to have better relationships. You’re having trouble with your relationships because you believe you’re in the right and everyone else is wrong. The more you concentrate on finding flaws in others, the more flaws you will discover. You end up working as a detective, looking for flaws in others.

Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye.

Matthew 7:3

We become hypocrites; we want other people to change while remaining the same. Most people deny that there are things in their lives that need to change, and when you point out their flaws, they become defensive and angry. Some people never admit they are wrong, and they always try to make you feel like it’s your fault.

People will never change, until you change

The change you want to see in others must first be seen in yourself. If you want people to speak politely to you, begin by speaking politely to others; if you want people to respect you, begin by respecting them. You can’t be disrespectful to others and expect them to respect you back; you get what you give. People will treat you the same way you treat them; respect is earned, not demanded; just as we do with our children, we are constantly demanding respect while failing to give it. You must concentrate on yourself and decide what changes you need to make in your life.

Do the introspection


Expecting other people to change, without changing yourself, is like looking into the mirror and expecting the reflection to smile first.

Asking people about your flaws is the best way to find out the truth. Choose 3-5 people who are familiar with you well enough to provide critical feedback. Choose one of your good friends, one colleague, and one family member to strike the right balance. People close to you can assist you in discovering the truth about yourself; it will not be easy, but it is essential if you want to change.

You can sit down and write down everything they say about you without being defensive, and you’ll discover some truth and begin to work on changing yourself. When people are angry, they usually tell the truth, especially children. Pay attention and take notes, and know which areas you need to improve. Look into it if you get defensive when someone says something; it could be something you need to change.

When others notice your change, they will be drawn to the new person you are becoming and will treat you the same way you treat them. If you used to yell, complain, blame, or criticize others, or if you were a control freak, they will notice some changes in your behavior as you work to become a better person.

Accept people for who they are

I understand that changing yourself is difficult and will take time, but even small steps forward will be worthwhile. You will begin to look for the good in others and accept them for who they are. The more you concentrate on finding the good in other people, the more goodness you will discover. The goodness was always present, but you were too focused on finding their flaws to notice it. Remember that what you focus on expands; if you focus on finding flaws in others, you will find more flaws; if you focus on finding goodness in others, you will find more goodness.

‘Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand, what little chance you have in trying to change others.


When you concentrate on changing yourself, you will find peace and, more importantly, you will have peaceful and happy relationships.

True life is lived when tiny changes occur.

Leo Tolstoy

Published by Thuli Silinda

I am a certified life coach, I help individuals, to create their dream life. I can help you move from where you are, to where you want to be and achieve your dreams. Whether your dream is to be healthy, find a job, change a career, start a business or find your life partner. I believe you can be, do, have anything you want in your life, nothing is impossible with the help and support of a life coach.

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